TODAY'S LESSON: ALIENS
Although scientists search the heavens and the deepest seas for the answers to the unknowable truths, we find our answers late at night behind racks of Goobers and microwave popcorn.
1. Aliens try to disguise themselves as humans, but always have some strange little quirk that gives them away-- such as eating sticks of butter, or stealing Ferraris.
2. In alien language, "Is there anyone there?" directly translates to "Please shine a bright light in my face and then anally rape me."

DADE CITY, FL - County Sheriff Carlos Alvarze made a grisly discovery Thursday when he came across the mutilated remains of a human body along Highway 301.
Certain that the bloodied corpse was not that of a local resident, he checked with the police departments of neighboring cities. He soon discovered that the body was that of Edwin Gutierrez of Tampa.
“I knew he wasn’t a Dade Citian, since we haven’t had any reports of missing persons,” said Alvarze of the finding. “And he wasn’t an Orlandonian or a Brooksvillian. Turns out he was a Tampon.”

LOS ANGELES, CA - Christina Aguilera, Enrique Iglesias, Shakira, Jennifer Lopez, Ricky Martin, Paulina Rubio, and five innocent passersby were killed at a trendy outdoor cafe yesterday, in what can only be described as a “Latin Explosion”. More than 20 others were injured.
A memorial service for the five innocent victims will be held Sunday at the Church of the Iglesia Episcopal de la Magdalena.

PARIS, FRANCE - The body of musician Robert Palmer was discovered in his hotel room this past week, after suffering a love overdose. He was 54.
“We always tried to get him to attend rehab sessions to help him get past his addiction, but every time he refused,” said one of the identical supermodels from his videos. “I guess he just didn’t want to face it.”

RIO GRAND, OH - 77-year-old World War II veteran Bubba "Bubs" Johnson claims that, unlike the majority of his out of touch contemporaries, he has no problems with homosexuality.
"It ain't a big deal," explained the retired construction worker. "Consenting adults can do whatever the hell they want with each other. If a coupla fellers wanna do it, good for them. Same with the gals."

Dear Franklin,
This is kind of embarrassing, but a few weeks ago I started sleeping with a new man. And I don’t know if it is his fault or not, but I have developed a strange rash. I drew a picture of it so that you could diagnose it. Should I see a doctor, or wait to see if it goes away?
Concerned in Cleveland,
Michael Parks
Michael,

SOFIA, BULGARIA - A nation mourns today, as a national treasure has passed away. Bulgaria’s sole astronaut, Peter Paroshi, 42, passed away today after nearly 13 years in orbit.
The country’s space exploration program was started in early 1990 when the country held great aspirations for reaching the final frontier. Paroshi was put into orbit, but was never able to return to the planet he loved so dearly.

Hey, everybody! It's time for more Butter Borkers! Yay! Today I have a special recipe with a very special ingredient. I went through a lot to get it, but it was worth it. You see, I was working in my Butter Borker Laboratory while watching Fight Club. I was trying to come up with a new flavor. Nothing was working until I was inspired-- inspired by the film I was watching. Yes, you guessed it: liposuction!

BISMARK, NORTH DAKOTA - While more than 100,000 people were being urged to evacuate the North Carolina coast in the face of Hurricane Isabel, those choosing to remain behind boarded up the windows to their homes and businesses with sheets of plywood and, in some cases, painted crude messages on the surface of the wood, in the feeble hopes of discouraging the storm.

Beyond the clouds and the moon, amid the stars and the sky, there existed The Man Who Walked Between The Heavens. For countless eons, the Being strode about the universe investigating its many marvels.
At one point, He came across the Earth. He observed the great variety of creatures that lived on the land and in the water. He observed the great variety of plants that swayed in the breeze. He observed the many rocks and minerals that bejeweled the land.