WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month Frank wrote to CHER.
Dear Cher,
I just want you to know how deeply saddened I was to discover that your current tour will be your last. On behalf of talentless drag queens with abhorrent fashion sense everywhere, I want you to know that you will be missed.

Franklin,
In my spare time I run an advice column in a local paper. Like yours, my column is designed to help people with their love life. But unlike you, I thought it would be funny if I made up all the letters, so that I might create humorous responses to them. Much to my dismay, I received an actual letter from an actual person with an actual problem. I am unsure how to respond. Should I be polite, or should I make fun of them like I do with the made-up letters?
Morally distraught,
Frankli-- I mean,.. ah,.. Steve Kanoodle
Steve,

From the desk of:
Insane Wayne Chinsang, editor-in-chief
IMPORTANT MEMO TO ALL STAFF:
I just got the blueprints for the new office. Things are looking really good so far. The space is sweet, and it overlooks Lake Michigan. It\'s also right above two really great restaurants; one Mexican and one Italian. I think this new space is really going to be a nice break from the crammed space we\'ve been used to. Hopefully, it will encourage us to make tastes like chicken even better.
I can\'t wait for the move. This is going to be great.
I hope you\'re all well.

Two months ago, Wayne sent out a memo here at the office stating, “Despite this being our last Columbus issue, there are to be absolutely NO ARTICLES about this being the end of an era, or any such sentimental hog-piss of the like.”
But I couldn’t let these last four years pass me by without drooling some sort of heartfelt look back on the magic and wonder that this tenure in the Buckeye State has made my meager life. There were so many memorable moments: artistic debuts of now-famous staff members; controversial, jaw-dropping revelations from our many celebrity interviews; Footman.

Danny Bonaduce, good Christian voters! President Dubya here. What’s the “W” stand for this month? “WINNER!” That’s what it stands for. “Winner of the War.” That’s three “W’s”. Let’s move on.
Many of you have changed your tune since our military “transformation” of Iraq from a struggling Third World country, to a burning Sixth World hunk of tainted geography. No longer do you wish for peace. You see that we are still as mighty as we’ve always been. Your “Kumbaya” is starting to sound a lot like “What country’s next?-baya.”

PEORIA, IL - Todd Dexter (31) has spent his entire adult life trapped in the room of his childhood home; the result of a tragic accident and an iron-clad will. At age 13 the heavy metal enthusiast “fell asleep” at his desk, where he had been “working on a model airplane.” Unfortunately, when Dexter awoke he found that his rebellious locks had been glued to the desk.
“I was, like, totally rocking to “Still Hungry”, and,.. umm,.. working on my model or something, when the next thing I knew it was morning, and this thing was, like, totally gnarly and stuff,” said Dexter.

COLUMBUS, OH - Local resident Maria Partridge (37) was in disbelief last Thursday when she learned that this article was not true, but in fact, a figment of someone’s imagination.
“I was dumfounded. I have been reading the newspaper ever since I was a little girl to keep up on world events,” said Partridge. “It had never occurred to me that something in print might not have any basis in reality. I am starting to question my whole existence.”
Authorities are highly speculative of Partridge’s existential dilemma, as they understand that even she, too, has been made up.

Like, the first time I heard Grandpa talk about \"Charlie\" was this year at Easter. The whole family was at my Grandma Betty\'s place because she\'s got, like, a bear-skin couch. And anyway, so I dropped a pan of yams on the kitchen floor, and when it hit, Grandpa grabbed a carrot, jumped over the counter, and just layed there, yelling for us all to, \"HIT THE DECK! CHARLIE\'S IN THE BUSH!\" And when my dad tried to pick him up, Grandpa went all Mariah Carey on him, and stabbed Dad with the carrot. Easter blows!