The bus creaked and shuddered along at a high speed. You could feel every bump through the barely padded seats. It was a late night, and the bus ride was excruciatingly long for me. It was the farthest away game of the season, and by the time we got the instruments stowed away, it was nearly 12:30 in the morning before we started back home. What made this ride even longer was the fact that Paula and I had just started that fun “I’m just going to pretend that nothing ever happened between us” phase of our high school relationship.

Okay, here goes: I\'m sitting in a Kilkenny coffee house trying to think of something extremely potent and brilliant to write down. I have a feeling that it won\'t exactly happen as planned, so at this point I\'m settling for pretty much anything. Literally, anything.
Anyway, after staring at the wall opposite me, and deciding that the waitress is somewhat of an asshole, I begin to cut open deep subject matters with Shalon.

Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars was instructing his pupils (including one on the WB\'s Gilmore Girls) when his cell phone rang.
\"What the shit is that?\" he exclaimed, not used to technology.
\"It\'s comin\' from your pocket, sensei,\" the Gilmore Girl explained.
Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars pondered this.
\"Master,\" said the Gilmore Girl, interrupting his pondering, \"ain\'t cha\' gonna pick it up?\"
The hillbilly had a point. (She hides her accent on the show.)
Eddie flipped the cell phone out of his pocket.
\"Eddie Bourbon: Ninja To The Stars.\"

VATICAN CITY, ITALY - The Roman Catholic church, in an effort to increase interest in their religion as well as create excitement for their current followers, has reinvented their main religious text, The Holy Bible. In a press release issued Thursday, Cardinal Henri Vichyssoise revealed that readers will now be able to control the outcome of the book, similar to the popular Choose Your Own Adventure line of books. The press release included the following sample of how the new book would work:
John 18:16-17

Hey, Neo. Sorry, man. I know I said I was gonna break my humor-only mold and scribble you up a sweet Pen & Think, but it was crazy, man. See, I was out washing my tricycle a few days ago, when this creepy white van pulls up. Out jump some Russians. They’re all like, “Give us de Pen and Tink, or your little Misha will suffer.” So I’m all like, “Misha who?” Then the ugliest one pulls out some weird pistol that looks like a Swingline stapler and says, “Do as the mustachioed lady say.” So, with my right hand, I reach over and grab the notebook, as if I’m going to hand it to them.

I hate Katie Couric with the fiery burning passion of a thousand suns.
Before, I wasn’t alone in my Katie Couric hatred. There used to be more like me. But now we\'re a dying breed. Lots of people used to hate her, but then a few years ago her husband got ass cancer and died. Don\'t get me wrong; I feel for her. But she\'s still annoying, dead husband or not.
I give you Exhibit A: She\'s 46, yet she wears the miniskirts and knee-high boots of an 18-year-old. My mom is 46, and way hotter than you, Katie. And she, at least, covers her damn self.

MAY\'S FUN FACT:
Did you know: if you type the words “dog show” into Google Image Search, this picture comes up? Man, I\'d be real damn proud of that.

As far back as I can remember, I\'ve always wanted to be a doctor.
Not because I wanted to help people; fuck that. No, I wanted to be a doctor for the glory, man. I\'m in it for the glory.
I wanted to be able to use words like “stethoscope” and “enfeebled” and “amyotrophic lateral sclerosis”.
I want to throw around cool phrases like, “Yes, I\'m a doctor and I have cancer. But I don\'t care whether I live or die. I care if you live or die.” You know, like they say on all those cool medical dramas on TV.

TODAY\'S LESSON: BEING A SERIAL KILLER
In the eternal pursuit of knowledge, scholars have dredged the depths of every known text to find the answers to man’s greatest questions. Little did they know that the solution to all of philosophy’s pondering could be found at their local video store.
1. Whether it\'s dresses and high-heels or suits made of human flesh, it\'s hip to do drag.
2. A job at a photo or home movie processing plant is the perfect place to find new contestants for Oh Darn! My Whole Family Just Got Ritualistically Slain!

TKLOVE IS NO TAMBOURINE GIRL. BUT SHE IS A HIGHLY-TALENTED MUSICIAN, AND SHE HAS LEARNED MORE INSTRUMENTS AND PLAYED IN MORE BANDS THAN I CAN EVEN NAME. SHE\'S ADDED HER TALENT TO THE LIKES OF LULLABY FOR THE WORKING CLASS, MAYDAY, BRIGHT EYES, AND, MOST RECENTLY, HEAD OF FEMUR. ABOVE AND BEYOND THAT, SHE IS AN OLD AND DEAR FRIEND OF MINE. SO SIT BACK AND LEARN WHAT I\'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS: THAT WE ONCE TOOK A BATH TOGETHER.