COLUMBUS, OH - A three year-long study conducted by guys who live above a tanning salon indicates that the overwhelming majority of males who go to tanning salons are “gay”; the remainder suffer from a skin condition, or are albino.
Initially, gay activist groups were outraged by the study.
But Gary Marshall, one of the guys who lives above the salon, satiated them by expounding upon the group’s findings.

PORTLAND, OR - The National Board of Internet Shorthand Writers (NBISW) released their annual list of ten new shorthand terms last week.
You may be familiar with the NBISW’s earlier creations, like “TTYL” (Talk To You Later), “BRB” (Be Right Back), and “TTFN” (Ta Ta For Now). Expect to see these new terms pop into your emails ASAP (As Soon As Possible)!
THE OFFICIAL LIST OF INTERNET SHORTHAND TERMS FOR 2003:
CYHTFWIET (Could You Hold This Fish While I Eat Turkey?)
ITEOWAGM (I Thought Episode One Was A Good Movie.)

WHO ARE THE TOSSERS? THEY\'RE A ROWDY BUNCH OF PUNKS, FIRMLY PLANTED IN THE WINDY CITY, BUT MUSICALLY ROOTED IN THE HILLS OF IRELAND. RECENTLY, THEY ROCKED AMERICA\'S ASSES OPENING FOR FLOGGING MOLLY AND THE MIGHTY MIGHTY BOSSTONES. BASSIST/ACCORDION PLAYER DAN SHAW WAS KIND ENOUGH TO TAKE A BREAK FROM WATCHING THE RING TO CHAT WITH VINNIE BAGGADONUTS.
Vinnie: Could you give our dear readers a little bit of background on The Tossers?

SUCKA BITCH MCs ARE FRESH OUTTA TIME,
WHEN MISTER PAUL BARMAN BUSTS OUT A RHYME.
KNOWN TO ROCK A PARTY LIKE ERIC NIES ON THE GRIND,
FINGERBANG FUNNY BONES AND TICKLE YOUNG MINDS.
HERE, PAUL RAPS \'BOUT WU-TANG AND PANTIES HE\'D SLICKEN,
WITH DEBBIE, THE KID FROM THAT RAG, TASTES LIKE CHICKEN.
(OKAY,.. HE DIDN\'T REALLY TALK ABOUT PANTIES.)
Debbie: I know you’re probably expecting Wayne to call you, but he got sick. So I’m filling in for him.
Paul: Oh, that’s a shame.