Dear young teenagers with spray-on green hair who left last Friday\'s Tossers/Bosstones/Flogging Molly show at The Newport Music Hall in Columbus before Flogging Molly even came on:
As you get older, you will learn about a thing called \"foreplay\". It is wonderful. Mostly because it leads to sex. But also because it leads to sex. It is something gentleman learn to initiate in order to haveth the sex. Otherwise, we\'d just turn on, put in, and drop out.

NOW HERE\'S ANOTHER LITTLE KNOWN FACT ABOUT ME...

When I was very small, I decided that I wanted to be a fire-eater. But most kids\' plans for future occupations evaporate by the time they turn 12. There are, after all, many more accountants than astronauts. Like my friend Charlie--he wanted to be a lion tamer once. I think he\'s an architect now.
But I never gave up on my fire-eating career.

SPOKANE, WA - Military leaders are meeting with a local native in Spokane to talk about military applications for his invention, an attack-proof suit. The suit has been field-tested in a number of hostile situations, and the results have been \"impressive\", say one top military advisor.
\"We have seen this suit run over by a tank, pelted with hundreds of walnuts, and dropped from a ten story building without a single scratch on the wearer whatsoever.\"
For many, this was the opportunity to hear firsthand the terrifying account of what caused the development of the suit.