APRIL\'S FUN FACT:
Contrary to Amnesty International reports, Iraqi children are actually quite stoked about the war.

Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, knew something was wrong almost from the get-go. If he\'d been more on his game, he would\'ve known before the get-go, or, at least, right from the get-go. But as he had a cold, his super-heightened Ninjatic senses were a little off. Anyhoo, Eddie Bourbon, Ninja to the Stars, had been hired to protect Sharon Stone on her shopping day. And that was exactly what he was going to do.

So, this morning, I woke up and had an idea. I know. I almost crapped my pants, too. But I had it, and it was good. No. I did not decide to listen to your pleas for peace. What do you think I am, a man of the people? My idea was much better than that. You see, some of you hate me. Hate is such a strong word. And it has four letters. But I can’t afford to be hated right now. Especially not here in Amerikansas. These are dark days, and I need your patriotic love to be my guiding light. Did you buy that? Good. My idea,.. right.

TODAY\'S LESSON: SURVIVING THE SEQUELS OF LIFE
In the eternal pursuit of knowledge, scholars have dredged the depths of every known text to find the answers to man’s greatest questions. Little did they know that the solution to all of philosophy’s pondering could be found at their local video store.
1. Rest assured that the asshole reporter you punched in the mouth during that office high-rise hostage situation last winter will undoubtedly be seated near you on a jumbo jet during the mid-air hostage situation this winter.

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month Frank wrote to THE DIXIE CHICKS.
Dear Dixie Chicks,

PHOENIX, AZ - Sick American children with a final wish to make had better wish extra hard. In fact, children from France, Spain, Australia, or any other industrialized country should cross every finger and toe, hold their breath, and wish upon dozens of stars-- and still, their wishes will probably go unrealized.
This is because the well-known charity for children, the Make-A-Wish Foundation, has turned its attention almost exclusively to Third World countries, turning its back on anyone who\'s ever seen plumbing.

SEATTLE, WA - The desolate teenage wasteland of adolescence is a redoubtable obstruction; one that each man, woman, and child has to face eventually. But for 19-year-old Brandon Gillette, who frequently sits alone in his bedroom with the lights out listening to Danzig and scrawling dark poetry on black paper, it’s a never-ending road of Hell. I ventured the long and lonely road to Gillette’s otherwise sunny suburban home to find out more about the life and times of this Iron Man of Personal Pain.

Mass protests continued last week, bringing thousands together to voice their opinions about the war.
“This is completely ridiculous. War is never the answer,” stated Quinn Gol Aseep, a Wookie from planet Kashyyyk. “Fighting between the Empire and the Rebel Alliance has to stop now, and a diplomatic solution has to be reached.”
Sentiment was similar on other planets.
“Etocka wock chocka pok,” stated Staqotta Bocachau, resident of planet Wikkawakka. “Pikto nik wuuku wig, otta batchu nok.”

CUYAHOGA FALLS, OH - A member of Ohio\'s 5694th National Guard Unit in Mansfield, Ohio legally changed his name to Optimus Prime, a fictional cartoon character from a popular television cartoon from the 1980s called The Transformers. Mr. Prime legally changed his name on his 30th birthday, and now it\'s on everything, from his driver\'s license to his military ID.
“The funniest thing about all of this is that I didn\'t even make this story up,” stated tastes like chicken editor, Wayne Chinsang. “This fool really did this; he really exists.”