It fills me with pain to have to write these words: I HATE HUMMERS. Don\'t get me wrong, kiddies. I\'m not talking about the mouth-on-unit kind of hummer. I\'m talking about the biggest, most excessive vehicle to ever be released to the streets. Who the fuck needs this thing? Okay, forget the fact that these things were designed for WARFARE. But how about what they are doing to the squirrels? Not that I\'m a tree hugger; I admit it, I\'ve littered, like Styrofoam, and even slept through Earth Day. But Jesus, what are these tanks doing to the environment?

Let it be known that on this day, in the month of March, in the year of 2003, that the impossible feat has been accomplished. Will Ferrell was actually in a funny movie. I know that seems inconceivable, that this very funny individual would eventually ever be in a funny movie; or for that matter, ever be in a movie that wasn’t soul-sucking, bowel-shredding, projectile vomiting, bloody aborted fetus pudding bad. Let’s face it, that Jay and Silent Bob movie wasn’t particularly good. That head-bobber Saturday Night Live spin-off thing was really fucking terrible.

Welcome to the first installment of Darby’s DVD Stash. We start this new section off with an older title, but it\'s a movie that may have fallen through the cracks. And here’s the best part: it just recently had a price cut from $29.99 to $11.99, making it a must have DVD. Donnie Darko is a kick-ass movie that keeps its audience on its toes. This movie has it all: throwbacks to the \'80s, the ending of a generation, a teenage boy discovering the world, time travel, and 6-foot bunny named Frank. Confused? Don’t worry, it will all make sense by the end.

Unless you suckle from the Fortune 500 teat of some golden corporate calf, you\'ve more than likely suffered through more shitty jobs than you care to admit to. It\'s the \"American Way\". That\'s why the powers that be invented sitcoms. Night in and night out, they zap all your employment frustration with their mighty cathode ray of crap.
Some of us, however, retreat into the rarely unexplored world of wonder known as \"our own imaginations.\" We conjure up stories and scenarios in our heads to kill the time until our shit-job shift ends.

I came to several realizations during the Ladytron/Simian concert:
1. Bands with horrible vocals will never understand that they have horrible vocals. No, they\'ll undoubtedly play on through their set, the lead \"singer\" wailing away like a disemboweled cat. And while their instrumental precision will often prove to be wonderful, at that moment when you finally start to notice the music beyond the crappy vocals, all the instruments will take it down a notch so the \"singer\" can start driving railroad spikes of sound back into your skull. Mm-hmm. Simian is a band like that.

THE TRANSPLANTS SELF-TITLED DEBUT ALBUM IS THE PUNKEST RECORD TO COME OUT IN A LONG, LONG TIME. BUT IT'S NOT A PUNK ROCK RECORD. IT'S GOT EVERYTHING: HARDCORE, HIP-HOP, DANCEHALL, SOUL. THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO DAMN PUNK. IT TAKES THE SPIRIT OF DOING WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT AND NOT CARING WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT IT, AND TURNS IT INTO MUSIC. AND THE AGGRESSIVE VOICE AT THE FRONT OF THIS MUSICAL FREEDOM IS ROB ASTON, THE LAST GUY ON EARTH I'D EVEN THINK ABOUT PISSING OFF. HE'S ALSO ONE OF THE NICEST GUYS I'VE EVER INTERVIEWED.
Vinnie: You’re out in L.A., right?

AL JOURGENSEN (ALSO KNOWN AS "MINISTRY", "LARD", "REVOLTING COCKS", ETC.)
(Note: This interview was conducted through email, and is shown here exactly the way it was received. Enjoy.)
Rutherford: So, the new album, Animositisomina, how is it different and how is it similar from albums in the past?
Al: THE DIFFERENCE IS IT DOESN'T SUCK. THE SIMILARITY IS IT DOESN'T SUCK.

BILL SIENKIEWICZ IS A TRUE INNOVATOR IN THE WORLD OF COMICS AND ILLUSTRATION. HIS WORK HAS CONSISTENTLY PUSHED THE BOUNDARIES, AND INSPIRED MANY OF THE GREATEST NAMES WORKING IN THE FIELD TODAY. HE EXPANDED THE LIMITS OF WHAT COMICS CAN BE. THE NIGHT WATCHMAN GOT TO CHAT WITH HIM ABOUT HIS WORK: PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE.

The recent trend of re-releasing old toy lines has been a mixed bag overall, with a few bright spots such as Tron, Nightmare Before Christmas, and Masters of the Universe toys. Now, Playmates has resurrected their most famous (and infamous) toy line: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.