Hey, Brandy! What are you doing? Wanna go to the mall with me and Jessie? Cool! There\'s this awesome yellow flower dress at Limited Too, and I think it\'s on sale. No, not the one with the shoulder pads-- the one with the navy blue belt strap. Yeah, isn\'t it just rad? What\'s that? What am I listening to? Oh, that\'s Dressy Bessy\'s new album, Little Music. Yeah, it\'s pretty neat. It totally reminds me of that time we went to the beach and got sandwiches at Tuna Hut. Hahaha! I was sick for a week! And remember that sandcastle you made? What was up with that sea gull?

I went to one of my favorite shops the other day. Great vintage stuff. There was a kick-ass dress there. It looked really cute on the hanger; I stared at it anticipating just which social functions I would wear it to. The fabric was striking-- white with yellow and green illustrated chickens all over it. Reminiscent of the buckets of roasted chicken from the grocery store back home that we\'d devour when I was a kid. It had a huge, butterfly collar that made a striking dip into a low \"v\" neckline, and fat buttons that bling-blinged up at me from the sleeves.

Franklin,
My boyfriend complains when I don\'t swallow his semen after fellatio. I really do not like the taste. Should I do it anyway, just to make him happy?
Thanks in advance,
Linda Brown

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month Frank wrote to all Americans.
Dear Americans,
As we all hold our collective breath, waiting for the inevitable attacks on Iraq and the Middle East to commence, I feel compelled to tell you all something of great significance. Brace yourselves, because this is the most important bit of pre-war knowledge you will ever be given. My words are these: YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF HUGE FUCKING BRAINWASHED NITWITS.

LOS ANGELES, CA - The National Good Humor Association (NGHA) will be holding a symposium at The Veteran’s Memorial on Saturday, March 15, to help educate people on the negative societal impact of bad humor.
“Every day people perpetuate a false sense of humor when they recycle old jokes. What they fail to realize is the substantially detrimental effect it has upon friends, co-workers, and family members,” said NGHA founding member, Joel Stalin.

COLUMBUS, OH - Mayor Coleman saved the city from certain doom last Thursday when he paid off a mad scientist\'s ransom of $39. Powell resident Ernie Kimball, 94, had threatened to destroy the city with his recently completed weather machine unless his demands were met.
“Normally we would not stand up to such acts of terrorism against the city. But we were like, ‘What the hell do we have to lose? It\'s only $39,’” said Coleman.

TULSA, OK - With the holiday season but a mere memory again, agricultural and livestock analysts are once again baffled at the sudden drop in turkey futures.
\"We\'ve got all these guys out here, and this is,.. I mean, this is their whole life! These guys eat, sleep, and breathe turkeys. Not literally,.. I mean,.. well you know what I mean. They work so hard raising turkeys all year long. But as soon as their work begins paying off big time, they hit another slump,\" said Dean Deene, an independent agricultural analyst.

ROCKY MOUNTAINS - After years of no speculation whatsoever, the truth has finally come to light. John Denver came out of “retirement” today, bringing years of lukewarm interest in whether the folk/country artist had faked his own death to an end.
As your parents may remember, John Denver was the artist behind such hits as, “Rocky Mountain High”, “Thank God I’m a Country Boy”, and “Take Me Home, Country Roads”.
Denver, born Henry John Deutschendorf Jr., told a gathering of four reporters and three fans the reason for his deception.

LOS ANGELES, CA - Harland Braun, attorney to former Baretta star Robert Blake, announced last week that Blake has been offered a starring role in a new project.
Blake’s attorney stated that even though Blake is currently being held in the Los Angeles County Jail awaiting trial for the alleged murder of his wife, he was optimistic about being involved. Braun told reporters that the negotiatons had taken place late last week, but they decided to wait until the press conference to announce the deal.

DALLAS, TX - A panel of linguistics experts from SIL (Summer Institute for Linguistics), the leading linguistics center in America, have concluded that the word “cunt” is the “fuck” of the 21st Century.