These days it seems there is a do-it-yourself book for everything in your life. But I, your dear Aunt Fphatty, am the one who has gone the extra mile. I\'ve written a book to help you with what comes beyond: Death. That\'s right, Funerals for Dummies is my new book that helps the everyday Joe become the most death savvy guy around. Who among us hasn\'t been at a viewing and thought, “I could have done a better job on Uncle Herbert\'s make-up! He looks like a papier-mache geisha!” Well, here\'s your chance! My book explains everything it takes to put your late loved one in the ground.

MARCH\'S FUN FACT:
TEEN PROM REPORT!
...And then they came into the ballroom and ripped off their faces and started spitting acid and blood all over the place and Mrs. Crambackle the gym teacher who watches the girls shower tried to beat them off with a coat hanger (one of those really heavy ones) but they sucked her head off into their mouthless faces and then they started clapping people\'s heads until they burst like watermelons and fire and locusts and death and I was so scared I ran like 20 miles!

My dad bought a puppy.
He wants to name it “Misty”.
I told him that was a stripper’s name.
He threatened to wash my mouth out with soap.
I\'m 20 years old.
That\'s all.

The danger of cheese is not that it is delicious in almost all of its varieties (Cheddar, Mozzarella, Parmesan, Colby, Asiago, etc.). No, the problem with cheese is that it can kill ya. Just what I heard. Bad stuff. Fatty. Cholesterolly. No good. Calcium? Sure. But bad for the heart and hell on the breasticles! Indeed, thanks in no small part to cheese, I have big ol\' teardrop pointy man titties-- AND I STILL CAN\'T STOP EATING IT! I LOVE IT SLICED! I LOVE IT DICED! I LOVE IT SHREDDED! I LOVE IT MELTED! I! LOVE! CHEESE!

SOAK IN THE SWEAT OF THE BLUES EXPLOSION, THEN RELAX IN THE CALM OF 20 MILES, AS MR. BAUER DROPS KNOWLEDGE ON COASTAL CULTURE, DICKHEAD WRITERS, AND CHANNELING THE ENERGY OF KEITH RICHARDS.
Rutherford: Where are you at right now?
Judah: I’m in Illinois. We’re coming from Kansas City and we’re trying to make it to Chicago. We’ll meet our new drummer there, because our other drummer got sick.
R: What happened with that?

SOME WOULD SAY THAT DAN RATHER\'S INTERVIEW WITH ARTIST/ENTERTAINER/DICTATOR SADDAM HUSSEIN WAS A BIG DEAL. THEY\'RE PROBABLY RIGHT. BUT IT\'S NOWHERE NEAR AS FUNNY AS THIS INTERVIEW I DID WITH JAY RYAN. HE\'S AN ARTIST/ENTERTAINER/NOT-DICTATOR FROM CHICAGO. I EMAILED HIM SOME QUESTIONS, AND HIS ANSWERS WERE BETTER THAN HALF THE ARTICLES I WRITE. OKAY, MOST OF THE ARTICLES I WRITE.
SHUT UP.
- VINNIE
Vinnie: You’re in Chicago.
Jay: That\'s not a question.
V: Were you born there?

Friday, December 20, 2002 • 6:39pm
I’m 30,000 feet over Earth as I type this.