I hope darkness falls on the makers of this film. I hope their children have problems sleeping at night, because they know that talent does not run in their gene pools. I hope Hollywood stops making this kind of pseudo-horror trash. It’s filled with every cliché know to man: the black cat that jumps out of nowhere; the rules you have to follow (stay in the light). The story is simple and idiotic: in the town of Darkness Falls there was once an old woman who would give children a gold coin for their teeth. People called her \"The Tooth Fairy\".

I\'m here to dispel the myth of Cupid. I\'m not here to make you recall dates and times that are meaningful to you and yours; to make you spring into action with a bouquet of fresh roses, or buy eight pounds of sweets that resemble the emotions that come spilling forth on this consumer whore of a holiday. I am merely here to tell you that there is no such thing as Cupid. What? I am ruining your ideals? I\'m crushing the very spirit of Valentine\'s Day? Yeah, whatever. Come on. Whoever heard of a naked baby flying around shooting people in the ass with love-filled arrows? Puh-lease.

I\'d never listened to Snapcase before this morning. I\'d heard of them, yeah. I\'d just never picked up an album. But sitting here now, listening to their new LP, End Transmission (Victory Records), I feel like I need to go back and check out everything they\'ve ever made. Over ten years after the band\'s inception, End Transmission is a frighteningly tight album that pours over with the energy and conciseness of a band with experience. From the opening pick and lull of guitars, to the insistent drum line that follows, it\'s obvious that Snapcase is a hardcore act.

Okay,.. so I like Alaska!\'s new album. But I ain\'t a pussy or nothing! I mean, I\'m not some macho-nacho frat-monkey, either! I\'m just saying, I\'m not this emo, indie rocker twit with big, black hair. Alright, I\'ve got big, black hair,.. but it\'s not dyed! It\'s natural! So anyway, Alaska!\'s new album is called Emotions. Yeah, I know it sounds like whiney sappy crap, but it\'s not. I mean, some of it is sappy, but there\'s a really nice simplicity to it. It\'s somewhere between country music, indie rock, and a lazy Sunday afternoon. It\'s just really melodic, all around.

Coming in April is a new "wave" of monthly titles named Tsunami. (Don’t blame me for the puns.) They use Japanese storytelling techniques as a model. The goal of these new titles is to attract a different audience than those currently buying Marvel’s monthlies. Marvel has noticed that comics (specifically Japanese Manga) are selling to non-comic store customers (namely younger readers and girls) in chain bookstores like Borders and Barnes & Noble.

Ever since I saw the first Star Wars movie in the theater I wanted to be Luke Skywalker. All I needed was an official lightsaber. At the time it was little more than an oversized plastic tube that made noise if you whipped it really hard, and was deemed too dangerous by my mother. But she would not keep me from the Jedi order,.. from my destiny. The next logical step: tear the legs off of my sister's play table instead. After placing some of those fancy blue, round, stackable rings around the pole, I finally had my beautiful testament to everything pure and good.

What is Ladytron? It’s kinda like the Eurythmics meet Kraftwerk meets the end credits of Ninja Gaiden. No, no! Wait! It’s like playing this really cool MMFF (male, male, female, female) rock band through your scientific calculator (The one with 64 functions and graphing!), thus having them come out the other side as these total cyber-punk machine heads. Hot damn! No! It’s more like these cold, sexy vocals by a couple of black-clad sirens, spinning their web in a sea of droll electronic dirge. God, that sounds corny! Alright.

Since it’s Valentine’s Day, Wayne thought it would be a great time to review a Freak Film just for lovers. That’s right, I’m talking about PORN! Not just any porn, kids. We’re talking about classic porn from the 1970s, where all the boobs were real, the lighting was crappy, and the pubic hair was huge-- afro-sized, in fact. I chose a film that we can all relate to: Student Bodies.

LOVE
“A.18? That’s the band’s name? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? And what’s up with these trite ass suicide photos on the packaging? Oh, this review is gonna be great.”

Right now, I’m on my umpteenthousandth listen of Turbonegro’s “Rock Against Ass”. I’m still not sure what in the hell they’re talking about, but it fucking rules regardless. Then again, why would you even question the rock-ness of a song called “Rock Against Ass”.
Hell-- why would you question the rock-ness of any of the following songs: “Rendezvous With Anus”; “Are You Ready (For Some Darkness)”; “Good Head”; “The Midnight NAMBLA”; “I Got Erection”; “Hobbit Mutherfuckers”.