TODAY\'S LESSON: FIRST AID
Why bother to take classes at your local community college and read books, when everything you have ever needed to know can be found at your local video store. This month we tackle the subject of first aid.
1. When you first come across an injured person, cradle their head in your arms and scream \"No!\" as loud as you can, while looking at the sky.
2. Hit the victim as hard as you can in the chest with a fist and yell \"Don’t you die on me!\" This is called CPR.

I live in central Ohio, where the beer flows like water and the squirrels outnumber people five to one. The other day I was taking a stroll, and I saw a squirrel sitting near a garbage can eating a whole Twinkie. I shit you not. An entire Twinkie. You might think a squirrel is too small to ingest a Twinkie. Not an Ohio squirrel, my friend. They're big and mean and aggressive. And they like to dine on Hostess snackcakes.

So,.. foosball. Huh? What's going on there? Seriously, I don't know. Don't get it. Foosball? Who in the hell made up that game?!? With its little plastic men, all looking the same, all in a row-- BECAUSE A BIG METAL BAR HAS BEEN JAMMED COMPLETELY THROUGH THEIR SIDES! That’s three kinds of messed up!
And their legs! What in Jackie Chan's name is up with their legs? Or should I say,.. leg? Boo.

Franklin,
Last week I was putting laundry away (because my wife asked me) and found a man's penis in my wife's dresser drawer. I think it might be her ex-husband's penis, as their relationship ended very badly. Please help me! I am very afraid, and haven't slept in four days.
Sleeping fully clothed in Reynoldsburg,
Mark Pastel

Greetings, mere mortal men and women. ‘Tis I, the world’s mightiest super-duper hero, Dubya Man! Here to protect good, honest, and wealthy Americans from all the world’s evils with my super-duper powers.
Sike! It’s just me, Georgie. “Dubya Man” is my secret super-duper hero name.
Last week I was just plain old President G-Dubya-B: Leader of the Free World, puppet of the mighty Texas oil man. Then, something happened that changed my life forever: I saw Beaches.

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month Frank wrote to all the weirdos that like MUSICALS. Yes. This means you, Debbie.
Dear Chicagoans,

It's a fearful and thrilling day when you realize just how obsessed you are with the blues. When you suddenly realize, mid-song, mid-moan, mid-chord, that your passion is no longer a knee-deep brew keeping you company during bland moments-- that it has suddenly turned into an affliction of true proportions.

FEBRUARY\'S FUN FACT:
So, let me get this straight: Pete Townshend, rock legend, guitar god, whose career choice automatically grants him an all-access pass to an endless, diverse, global sea of legal pussy, gets busted with a randy-dandy connection to kiddie porn, including a fully-paid-a-la-credit-card entry to an Internet pederast porn site which, he claims, is “research” for his forthcoming book on the sexual abuses he suffered as a child.
Just checking.

SANTA MONICA, CA - Singer, actress, and known bestiality participant, Mariah Carey, has recently discovered a new way to shed pounds.
Carey, 32, was inspired while shopping on Santa Monica's famous Third Street Promenade. The three block long, outdoor mall is home to dozens of homeless and poor.