Now, the last thing you want to hear is how this book ends, right? Good, because I haven’t finished it yet. Oh, don’t start. It was a busy month. I’m real close to finishing it, though, and I gotta tell you, it’s pretty fucking good. Crap. I shouldn’t have used “fucking”. Guess you won’t be seeing this in any press kits.

President Bush,

DR. WAYNEVIL SAYS:
Well, fuck. Vinnie wrote his goddamn part before me, and he already mentioned some of the albums I was going to tell you to buy. Damn. So what can I say? Hmmm.
Well, I really got into The Rolling Stones this year. You know, Sticky Fingers and all that. I know it’s not from this year. Or this decade. But it’s the perfect album to make sweet love to Debbie’s mom to. Hot!
After I climax on Miss Debenski’s backside, I like to smoke a cigarette and listen to Medeski, Martin & Wood’s Uninvisible. Sweet ass!

Christmas may be long gone, but the toy buying demon is a never-ending bitch goddess who likes to eat lots and lots of my money. So what better to spend those hard-earned bucks on than a fine product spawned from the new Lord of the Rings flick: The Two Towers? The best offering this year from Toy Biz's new line has to be Saron the Dark Lord-- a snappy dresser and one hell of an action figure.

Every once in a while you see a trailer so perfect you just have to seek out the film. Such is the case when I saw the preview for the 1965 lost cult classic Incubus. The blurbs "Thrill to the horror of Satanic Ritual!" and "Tingle with excitement at the Succubi Sisters!" had sold me on the flick. Then came the coup de gras: "Look on in bewilderment as William Shatner speaks in tongues!" I stopped the film I was watching and returned to the video store. Incubus had to be mine!

As I sit down to write about a "controversy" hitting comic stores in February 2003, I'm bothered. Marvel Comics has decided to publish a five-issue mini-series under their Mature Readers MAX imprint called The Rawhide Kid. The Rawhide Kid is a Marvel western hero dating back to the mid-1950s, reborn in the 1960s by Marvel pioneers Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. He was one of many heroic characters in the cowboy genre. And, now he's coming back. And, now he's gay. I don't care that he's gay. I don't care that Marvel is changing one of their character's sexual orientation.

Not since Copland has there been a more realistic look into the life of a cop. Narc is a truly stylized film that will blow your socks off. Jason Patric plays a narcotics officer that needs to solve one last case before getting himself a desk job to keep his family. After a narcotics officer was killed in the line of duty, it's up to Patric and Ray Liotta, a renegade cop with nothing to lose, to find the killers. Narc has all the makings of a classic, like Reservoir Dogs before it.

Okay. I've got a confession to make: I don't know the difference between emo and post-punk. The difference between acid house and trance means nothing to me. (Put away those glow sticks, kids-- I'm sure it's all great.) You know what, I don't really care to know what these classifications mean. I know what I like when I hear it. The music I like has never been segregated into its own little section in the record store, anyway. Further Seems Forever might be one of those bands that if I was allergic to terms like “emo” or “post-punk”, I might have missed out on.

I was not a teenage skater. I've spent a total of 17 minutes on a skateboard in my entire life. And that's nothing compared to the hours I spent sprawled on the concrete after my $10 Kmart board went flying out from beneath my feet. That being said, if I had been a teenage skater, I imagine Somehow Hollow's debut release, Busted Wings and Rusted Halos (Victory Records), would've been a key piece in the soundtrack to my life. As Canada's latest breaking export, this fearsome foursome comes sliding down like last night's biscuits ‘n’ gravy.

All of my childhood heroes are getting old, and most of them are aging well. Tony Hawk is making millions with a skateboard, and Jason Lee traded his in for a film career alongside Tom Cruise. Kevin Smith is somehow considered a cinematic genius, and the band Avail,.. well, they are still mostly unheard of, broke, and playing dingy little clubs for $10 tickets. But, goddamn, they still kick ass!