GAHANNA, OH - Adam Larkin, 35, won the Pick 3 Wednesday, and is having what experts are already calling “the most ridiculous ideas of grandeur ever.”
Initially, he had not heard that he had actually won. But while on break at work, he was looking through the paper and saw his lucky numbers: 7-5-8.

MILWAUKEE, WI - Alcohol and children’s book enthusiasts alike were shocked to learn that Clifford The Big Red Dog has filed a defamation lawsuit against the Miller Brewing Company, in regards to their ever popular Red Dog Beer.
Clifford is blaming his short stint as Red Dog’s spokes-canine on his arrest last month, after a night-long spree of vandalizing and car chasing.

WARMBURG, LA - Seven people, 28 limbs, 32 joints, four sprains, and six hyperextensions. The horror. The quaint town of Warmburg, Louisiana will never be the same.
And from now on, 15-year-old Patrick Keller will knock before entering his parents' bedroom.

MARS, MW - In even weirder news from Mars, Michael Jackson’s inner child, Michael Jackson, has filed a restraining order against Michael Jackson.
“I don’t know what that crazy fool was thinkin’,” young Mikey told authorities. “I never said I wanted to look like Diana Ross or that damned Raelian-alien when I grew up! Ah-hee-hee!”
Adult Michael could not be reached for comment, as he was busy watching Les Miserables while listening to Dark Side of the Moon and drinking toast out of his blender.

[AN AGREEMENT]
WILL YOU GOT OUT WITH ME?
Dear (Name of Recipient),
Um, I was wondering, like, since Valentine’s Day is coming up and stuff, do you think you might, you know, like,.. be my girlfriend? YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION RIGHT AWAY! JUST THINK ABOUT IT FOR AWHILE BEFORE YOU ANSWER! But when you do make a decision, could you put a check in one of the boxes below?*
[ ] YES [ ] MAYBE [ ] NO
So, think about it and get back to me. No pressure, of course.**
Your loving boyfriend,
Jimmy G. Wurlington, President of Jimmyland