So there are these boys in my class at school who pick on everybody and the other day the biggest of them took my milk from me and wouldn't give it back until the teacher made him go stand in the corner. Then all the kids laughed at him, but he stood there looking at me all angry and I knew that during recess he'd try to beat me up. So I told the teacher that I was sick and didn't want to go outside. So she let me go to the library and read. Mean kids always pick on me because I'm smarter than them and I heard that the bully kid isn't even supposed to be in our grade.

I am the coolest kid in my class. I got the Star Wars Episode II soundtrack before anybody else. My Uncle’s friend pirated it off the Internet, Han Solo-style. It’s real neat. I think my Uncle is going to explode with joy. My mom calls him a “geeky fanboy.” “It’s a movie, not a religion,” she said. “You’re just mad because that pussy Jesus didn’t have a lightsaber,” he told her.

Friday night, I got to stay up way past my bedtime. Mommy took me to a concert with her and vinnie. I had to miss SpongeBob SquarePants. That’s okay. I had fun. We stood in the back, because there was lots of people. Mommy tried to make me wear earplugs. She said it was going to be really loud. I took them out and gave them to vinnie. I told him earplugs are for five-year-olds. I’m six!