WHERE THE SON OF OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES RETARDED AND GETS POOPY WITH DUMMIES.
This month jimmy wrote to the dummy known as Ralph.
Dear Poopie Head Ralph,
I hate your stinky guts becuz you are a smelly fish head. I canot help it if I am two big for sumone who is only nine-years-old. Peepel always make fun of me for beeing fat and stupid, but I am not. My Daddy sez I am just misunnerstood and I am in a faze. Then you and crap face Bobby kick me in the nuts untill pudding comes out of my nose. Why do you always kick me wen I eat pudding?

“ARE YOU READY, KIDS? WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA?”
“SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!”
“ABSORBENT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE!”
“SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!”
HIS NAME IS TOM KENNY. HE MAKES SPONGEBOB TALK. HE TALKED TO NIGEL SHADY.
nigel: I recycle paper at school.
Tom: I'm actually at the recycling center right now. That's very “Nickelodeon” of me.
n: So, you're SpongeBob, right?
T: Yes, I am. Or SpongeBob is me. I've gotten the chance to let SpongeBob possess me. It’s sort of like demon possession.

TRUE STORIES OF HEROES' BRAVE BATTLES
BRAVE SOUL OF MAY 2002: FOOTMAN

I telled all these kids what do you want to be when you want to grow up. Steve said he wanted to be a telephone truck and I said he couldn't be a truck and he punched my belly. Lots of kids said they didn't know, so I asked them if they wanted to be a train robber with me. Some kids said they would join my gang of bandits, but some kids said stealing other people's stuff was bad for you to do. I would say that in my school lots of kids want to be doctors and policemen, but lots of kids want to be train robbers again. I think that train robbers are so good cause it is just so much fun.

Yeah, you. You stink! I don't know why. Ya just do. I guess God made you that way. But you don't stink like normal. You stink like old hamburgers or something. It's kinda like a moldy-babboon-buttcrack smell. No, I've never smelled a moldy-babboon-buttcrack before. But if I did, I bet it would smell like you! Do your mom and dad know you stink so bad? Didn't they teach you how to take a bath when you were a baby? Or does everybody in your family just smell like that, so you can't tell that you stink like butter and dead ants? I bet that's it.

What? Huh-uh, I don’t know. I didn’t eat that cupcake-- nope. I don’t even like chocolate anymore. I think it was the puppy. He told me he did it. Huh? Nope. I didn’t touch your vase, and I for sure didn’t break it. How did I know it was broken? Um, I heard it fall down and-- and yeah-- crash while I was in the potty. And I thought, I thought, “Boy, Mommy’ll be mad when she finds her broken vase pieces in the laundry hamper.” Yes, I was wearing these pants all day. My blue pants were under the bed? Well, I didn’t put ‘em there. Musta been aliens.

If I were Queen of the America, there would be no school all week. I would get rid of all letter W’s, because my mommy's friend vinnie says, “W is a more on,” and something about, “canned pain fine ants reform.” I don't know what that means, but he showed me where the keys are to type it. I would also make Aaron Carter and Britney Spears eat worms. My mommy is the most beautifulest mommy ever, and that's why I am cute. My daddy doesn't visit me. Mommy says he sleeps with fishies, but we never see him at the acrarium either. I would also have an acrarium if I were Queen of the Merica. America.

Look out! The floor is made of lava! Stay on the couches! Don’t touch the carpet! Ha, ha! Paul touched the floor! You’re out, Paul. You’re out! You’re dead. Wait in the kitchen. NO! You are OUT! You stepped on the newspaper, and everyone knows paper burns up on lava. You’re out! Now, wait. Okay, you’re back in now.

I want to have a cookie because I ate all my spinach. And I want a chocolate chip cookie.