Bibleman is a superhero. Bibleman reads the Bible. Bibleman has a Sword of Truth. Bibleman doesn't like violence, but Bibleman has a sword. Bibleman has funny armor and a sidekick. Bibleman's sidekick is named Cypher. Cypher is the token black guy. Cypher talks like a white guy, but Bibleman makes him say stuff like, “‘Sup wit' dat” to make him real black. Bibleman's bad guy is El Furioso. He can't speak good Spanish. I don't think he's really from Spain. He's not really very bad. He makes a powder that makes people get mad. Only, stuff happens that would make them mad anyway.

The cap’n has got toys. A really big bunch of toys. Every toy is carefully put on a bookcase shelf, and all the boxes are stored in the hold. He's got a lot of toys. I'm not allowed to touch any of them. I'm not even allowed to look at them for longer than 6.7 seconds. He said if I ever touched them he would cut off all of my fingers, blend them into a milkshake and serve it to me with a burger and fries. I don't touch his toys. I don't have that many toys, but I do have one. I found it on the deck last week. It is a moldy ear. A left one, I think.

My daddy writes the movie reviews, and this month he took me and hoagie to see Spider-Man. I liked it. It was cool to see Spider-Man on the big screen. My daddy made me watch these Spider-Man movies from back when he was a kid. He said I needed to see them for research, but I think he just likes me to see stuff with him. Hoagie liked it, too, I think. She said it wasn’t as good as X-Men, and I think she’s right. My daddy seemed to like it, but he got mad about the costume drawings Peter draws. Little things like that set him off all the time.

Due to an unexpected accident involving a stack of Darkhawk comics, comic book john was unable to write his column for this issue. His trusty kid sidekick, sonic erica, has taken his place.

The other day I snuck into my brother’s room and hid in his closet, to watch him. My brother was all excited about some CD he had just got, and he put it into his stereo and turned it up real loud. At first it hurt my ears real bad. All kinds of things were going on at once. The drums would go real fast and then slow down and then come back fast again. My brother was dancing funny and he was pretending to play a guitar. Then he started to sing along, but he didn't know the words and he just kind of yelled and stuff.

I just listened to Hatebreed’s new album, Perseverance, last night. Wow! Those guys are really, really angry. Like that big old dog my neighbor across the street kept chained up in his front yard. Hatebreed is angry like that; a fat, smelly dog that bites children and pees on its front legs! I’ve been watching a lot of MTV this week, so I can tell that this album ROCKS! It’s really cool and mean. When I got to the song where they were like, “Destruction-- in its purest form, no limit to the vicious damage done,” I was ready to cry from all the coolness I was getting to hear.

This is one angry band. My Uncle Funk listened to it with me in the car. We went to Rita’s for a gelloti, then we drove to the park. I couldn’t eat my gelloti until we got there. It was one of Uncle Funk’s rules. He said just having me in his car was a “minor miracle.” At least I was past my sticky drooling phase. But he didn’t want any “regression by way of iced fruit and custard.” I laughed even though I didn’t know what “regression” meant. When I think of soil I think of the fancy flower soil my Grandma gets at Frank’s with the little white balls in it.

My dad has this music that he likes to listen to. I like to listen to it when he is at work. The box says “Tom Waits” and it also says “Blue Valentine”. In school we made mailboxes for Valentine's Day, but they were red. I telled my friend Cindy that Tom Waits could beat up that dumb Justin guy in *NSYNC and she told the teacher on me. Mr. Caspeer got real mad and asked me who telled me about Tom Waits. I told Mr. Caspeer that everyone knows ol' Tom could beat up Justin anyday. He sended me to see Mr. Stemen, the principal. Mr.

My daddy wasn’t born in Columbus, but I have spent all of my life here. When I think of Columbus, I think of things like campus riots, Dave Kaylor, and High Street. High Street is a really cool place to hang out and stuff. Don’t let those morons at Campus Partners fool you. There are a billion million things to do on High Street. And this man named Aaron Leventhal wants to make sure that you know all about High Street. That’s why he created the High N’ Seek Treasure Hunt and Pub Crawl. You may know Mr. Leventhal from when he was in charge of Oktoberfest. My daddy used to take me there.

Do you know what my favorite color is? Blue. I like to wear blue. I like blue Kool-Aid. One time, my mommy had blue hair. Did you know that music is blue? Well, it plays music. Blue does. I think that's cool. Now, when I open my crayons, I listen real hard for it. But I never hear it.