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LOCAL GIRL REPEATEDLY PICKS AT SCABS

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22 December 2023
BETHEL PARK, PA (AP) - 15-year-old Jenny Fritz and 14-year-old Allison Robel were racing their bikes Thursday evening in Bethel Park, Pennsylvania. It was a close race until Jenny wrecked and landed face-first into a mailbox. Allison claimed Jenny was "screaming her head off like a little baby." It was a deep cut that a baby kitten could live in, but Allison and Jenny did not report the incident to their parents until later that night. Months later, Jenny was still picking at her scab.

LOVE KNOWS NO HALF-BRAIN

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22 December 2023
Ex-First Lady, Nancy Reagan, is pulling on the nation’s heart strings with her new book, I Love You, Ronnie. The book contains love letters written for Nancy by her husband, former president Ronald Reagan. The public eye has witnessed many sides of Reagan through his lifetime. Reagan headed the governor’s office for California and won the hearts of Americans as the president of our great nation for two terms in the '80s. Now, with I Love You, Ronnie, the public is seeing a new Ronald Reagan: a loving and caring side. This excerpt shows his devotion to his one true love, Nancy.

IT'S ON!

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22 December 2023

It was on a lazy Sunday of goomba-stomping and glory-basking that I suddenly realized, "Hey, it's on!" And I don't mean "on" like Ted Danson in blackface, either. We're talking "on" like a toasted egg and cheese sandwich (hold the mayo). It's on like rocket pops and licorice ropes. Who shot J.R.? It's on! Like burrito sauce floors in subway station bathrooms. Like a girl with two mothers. Like Will Smith tied to the wing of a 747. Man, it's definitely on like all that shit! Bienvenidos, domo arigato, Volkswagen... it’s on worldwide, yo! Whatever happened to baby Jane? It’s on.

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FIREXIT ANNEX

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22 December 2023
I’m not trying to brag, but I’ve been to lots of events that claim to be hip, young and new. It’s always the same thing: get a bunch of people who think they know it all, make sure they raise their voice just enough to be heard by the people around them (who are pretending not to pay attention), and get everyone dressed up in the latest trend. I wish I could say that Firexit is exempt from all that trash, but I can’t. And that’s because the wannabes have finally figured out that Firexit is an event where things are truly happening.

CHARLIE'S ANGELS

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22 December 2023
Oh, yes. The ever-famous TV-drama-turned-movie formula. Where would Hollywood be without it? If you’ve seen the trailer for this film, you may have guessed that it is nothing more than an hour-and-a-half tits-and-ass fest. You guessed right! This was one of the worst movies of the year, but man it was fun to watch! Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu are three different little girls who worked for the police until Charlie took them away from their employer. Doesn’t that storyline just grab you? Me either. Barrymore plays the bad girl you can’t help but love.

BAY AREA HIP-HOP HITS OHIO

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22 December 2023
Happy Halloween? Damn right it was. But rather than shovel out candy to ugly children, I got to watch Blackalicious and Ben Harper give an almost-sold-out Mershon Auditorium their money’s worth. Well, at least Blackalicious did. To tell you the truth, I was more impressed with Ben Harper the first time I saw him live. This time around, he was bland. He was seated, and so was I. He took his grand old time before he’d continue on with an encore; I’d take my grand old time looking amused. Thank God he had a good opening act. No. He had an amazing opening act.

FREAK FILMS: I MARRIED A STRANGE PERSON!

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22 December 2023
When a pair of fucking birds (that’s a verb, not an adjective) wreck Grant Boyer’s satellite dish, which in turn zaps and mutates a lobe growing from the imagination portion of his brain, it sets the stage for madcap laughs, beguiling musical numbers, raucous violence and weird sex. It’s Bill Plympton’s second full-length animated film, I Married A Strange Person. Keri, Grant’s brand spanking new wife, has noticed something strange about Grant in recent days. For instance, when she asks for one of his red hot kisses, his lips catch fire.

TRIC ZINE

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22 December 2023
Starting your own zine is not that big a deal. Starting one to provide an open forum for other people’s creative expression, however, is. And unless you are one of those rare birds who choose to put forth the guts so others may have the glory, you’d be damn stupid not to submit work. Wilmington, Delaware’s tric is one of those independently-owned and operated forums.

KARMA IS A BITCH

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22 December 2023
The cool fall weather is usually fair to me. I enjoy the crispness that comes with chilly air and falling leaves. But today, nothing was going right. I had an argument with a good friend earlier. The kind of argument where afterwards, you try to figure out how it got so out of hand. You regret it, but it’s too late. What was said was said and an apology would only seem trite and ineffective. I had upset my friend and my actions would have a distinctly negative effect on the rest of her day.
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