Nipple, nipple on my breast, why for art thou on my chest? Obviously, you serve a purpose to women. But what benefits do you give me and the rest of the men of the world? While bathing in my weekly milk bath last Tuesday, I began to play with my nipples. I pondered their existence for quite a while. They seem to have no real purpose. I thought maybe they were bolts that kept my chest from popping open. I tried to open my right nipple with a big pair of pliers, but stopped short of twisting it off. As I screamed in pain, I realized that couldn’t be their purpose.

SOMEWHERE IN OUR COLLECTIVE MENTAL ART HISTORY, PAINTER JOE SORREN AND HIS ONE-OF-A-KIND STYLE REST COMFORTABLY BETWEEN THE SKEWED STYLINGS OF AESTHETIC HIGH PRIESTS LIKE PABLO PICASSO AND MARK RYDEN. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN'S PORTLIEST LITTLE WALLFLOWER, FPHATTY LAMAR, BREAKS BREAD WITH THE BEST THINGS THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ACRYLIC PAINT.
fphatty: You play drums as part of Lyle and the Sparkleface Band. Is the band something you do for fun or are there hopes of taking it further? I ask because it seems you devote a lot of energy to it.

SNICKERS: He is a firefighter’s best bud. If you had to pick one out of 101, this pure-bred dalmatian would be the one to go with. He has been through pyromaniac dream fires. Fires so horrible that they charred his top lip off. No joke, friends. This brave snoop doggie dog had lips at one time. That doesn’t mean that all dogs have lips, if you know what I’m sayin’. This frisky sparkle tooth will charm and scare most small children. Adopt Snickers today. His senses are strong as hell. He can sense the smell of slutty knees burning up a carpet. He is bad. Bad, bad, badski!

IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO A BAR IN COLUMBUS, CHANCES ARE YOU'VE SEEN THE FABULOUS JOHNSON BROTHERS. LIKE OSU'S BALL-BEATIN' BUCKEYES, THESE BOYS ARE A STAPLE IN THE ESSENCE OF THE CITY. THEY'RE MUSICIANS ON A FUNK AND ROLL QUEST FOR A GOOD TIME, AND TASTES LIKE CHICKEN'S GROUPIE OF GAB, DEBBIE, SPENT AN HOUR WITH THE BOYS CALLED JOHNSON TO FIND OUT WHAT MAKES THEM SO DAMN FABULOUS.
debbie: What is it about you Johnson Brothers that makes you so Fabulous?
Curtis: The crowd. That’s what I always thought.

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the muffin men at KRUSTEAZ!
Dear Muffin Men,

TRUE STORIES OF HEROES' BRAVE BATTLES
BRAVE SOUL OF OCTOBER 2000: MR. X


This month, darby traveled back to his hometown of Boston to get the lowdown on a man with a very strange fetish. For legal reasons, we can’t disclose the man’s name, but you can find a photo of Jason Hudson above.
darby: Mr. X, please tell us about this rather unusual fetish of yours?
X: Well, I like video games.
d: I see. Video games of a sexual nature?
X: No. Just plain old video games. You know-- like Grand Turismo and Quake.

REALLY, HE NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION. HIS NAME IS JUST AS EASILY RECOGNIZED IN AMERICAN POP CULTURE AS SUPERMAN, BILL CLINTON, OR ELVIS. HE IS THE HOST OF AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAMESHOW. HE'S KISSED COUNTLESS WOMEN, FILMED OVER 5000 SHOWS, AND GIVEN AWAY THOUSANDS OF BRAND NEW CARS! HE IS BOB BARKER. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN'S INSANE WAYNE CHINSANG HEADED TO CONTESTANTS' ROW TO CHAT WITH THIS AMERI-POP ICON.
wayne: What was life like for Bob Barker before The Price Is Right?

1. WEDDING DJs: Wake up. Drink. Load the van. Drink. Play three hours of crappy pop music. Drink. Hit on a bridesmaid. Drink. Such is the life of a wedding banquet DJ. It’s not the easiest profession in the world. To be a wedding banquet DJ means to have no life goals, dreams, or ambitions. It means living the life of the eternal bachelor. It means taking immense pride in owning and voluntarily playing records by Huey Lewis, Robert Palmer, and the like.

Fall’s gray skies have rolled over us, setting the mood for piles of leaves, pumpkins, ghosts, and ghouls. It’s the perfect time for craft-making. You may remember our project from a few years ago: JFK and Jackie ‘O Lanterns. Today we’ll concentrate on something a bit less perishable: scarecrows. Now, true craft aficionados agree that our possessions aren’t worth having unless we make them ourselves. However, the hustle and bustle of everyday life leaves little room for do-it-yourselfing. Well, I’ll have no excuses today. The materials needed for this project are easily accessible.

I’m a sensible woman. Both of my feet are planted (literally) very firmly on the ground. My only deviation comes in the form of a wicked little fantasy that’s been brewing in my head for years. It’s the dream of my perfect life; my destiny; my Xanadu. The picture painted in my head involves five key elements: a ‘50s-style stucco ranch house, a gravel yard, a gazebo, a decorative mini-wooden windmill, and a certain quirky little man known as the Sicillian from The Princess Bride.