IF IT'S POSSIBLE TO TAKE FOUR COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SONGS, PLAY THEM ALL AT ONCE, AND HAVE IT SOUND LIKE ONE COHESIVE, ALBEIT ALIEN, MUSIC, THEN THE RANCID YAK BUTTER TEA PARTY WOULD BE THE FIRST BAND TO DO IT. THEY'RE FOUR MUSICIANS WHO EACH MARCH TO A DIFFERENT DRUM MACHINE, ON A MISSION TO SPREAD THE GOSPELS OF SOMETHING DIFFERENT (WHILE SPEAKING IN THIRD PERSON). TASTES LIKE CHICKEN'S AVANT GARDE SPIN JOCKEY, NEOGEO THE PROPHET, BROUGHT THE CRUMPETS TO THE RANCID YAK BUTTER TEA PARTY.

HEINI HYMEL: With a knick-knack, paddy-whack, give a cat a treat, this old pound can lose some meat. Mama had a baby and its head popped off! This purdy, cross-eyed Siamese mix is very unique. She doesn’t meow; she yodels! What a mix of ethnicities we have here: a yodeling Asian pussy! Heini Hymel will be your friend for life. She’s not very attractive because she got kicked once for her yodeling act that she performed in New York on the set of CATS. Yeah, right. I’m lying. Like this cat ever had a good life.

ONE MAKES MUSIC ON PAPER. THE OTHER SPINS ART ON WHEELS OF STEEL. COMIC ARTIST EXTRAORDINAIRE JIM MAHFOOD SAT DOWN WITH WORLD-TRAVELED MIX MASTER Z-TRIP FOR TASTES LIKE CHICKEN. WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE WHOLE STORY... ALL 10,000 WORDS OF IT.
Jim Mahfood: It's October 31st. Halloween 2000! This is Jim Mahfood.
Z-Trip: And this is Zach Sciacca-- Z-Trip. (grunts)
J: This is Jim Mahfood and Z-Trip. We're at the world famous Urban Cafe in Tempe, Arizona, munchin' down on some rice and whatnot. We're here to discuss...
Z: ...issues.

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to everyone's favorite Grateful Dead-esque band, PHISH!
Dear Trey, Fish, Mike and Page,

TRUE STORIES OF HEROES' BRAVE BATTLES
BRAVE SOUL OF DECEMBER 2000: BERNARD


This month, we travel to Santa’s Workshop to hear an elf’s brave tale.
darby: Bernard, take our readers back to that fateful day.
Bernard: We elves had to pull a few all-nighters because Christmas was just around the corner. A lot of people don’t know this, but Santa is an ass. He and Mrs. Claus have been separated for over a year, but for PR reasons they stay together.
d: Can we just focus on the night in question?

...OF COURSE THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHIT IF YOU AREN'T A GENTILE.
Around this time every year, I get flooded with letters from my non-Christmas-celebrating brothers and sisters. They are curious as to why Christmas is so important a holiday. So I tell them. I educate them. What follows are a few examples of this educational correspondence:
LETTER ONE:
vinnie,
What’s the deal with egg nog?
Peace,
J. Frash, Newark, NJ

EVERYONE KNOWS COREY FELDMAN. HE'S BEEN ACTING FOR SO LONG, YOU'LL PROBABLY FIND HIS NAME IN THE CREDITS OF ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE FILMS. BUT HE'S MOVED ON TO TACKLE A NEW MEANS OF EXPRESSION: MUSIC. TASTES LIKE CHICKEN'S INCREDIBLY '80s MISS TINA WELLS GOT THE FYI FROM THE MAN HIMSELF.
tina: When did your acting career begin and who got you into it?
Corey: My acting career began at age three and my parents got me into it. I was in a McDonald’s commercial.
t: Do you ever dream of being a Happy Meal toy?

You know, what exactly is a crapload? Is it just the mass of an average dump? I mean, one elephant turd alone is probably 40 pounds or something! What is the average mass of a human dump? I wonder if there are people whose job it is to figure out this stuff. What a shitty job! (Sorry. Bad pun.) I read somewhere that whales don't poop solid. Think about it-- if they did have turds, they would sink ships! It would be hard enough to navigate through icebergs, let alone six-ton whale turds. That would be pretty embarrassing to have to tell people that your ship was sunk by a whale turd.

Oh my GAWD! Don’t look now, but you are soooo lucky. You are sitting right beside the most cutest guy ever-- don’t look! GAWD! I can’t believe you don’t like like him, too! He is beautiful. Oh-- vinnie. His name is beautiful, too. Are you guys touching shoulders? You are touching shoulders! Why are you not dying? I can’t believe you get to sit next to him at this meeting and I’m stuck all the way over here by spacey. He smells like oil or something. Does vinnie smell? What does he smell like? I bet it’s great. Can you smell what he had for lunch? Geez, I wish I were you.

Not that I even know what pygmies are, or care to look them up in the dictionary. I think a pygmy is, like, a little person in Australia or Borneo or something. Or maybe Nevada. Yeah, I remember hearing that 87% of the world’s “short people” originated in Nevada. I mean, it’s no surprise with Las Vegas right there. God, do I love Mickey Mouse. Can you justify my love? Didn’t think so. But, hey-- at least we’ve still got pygmies. They fucking rock. Um,..I guess.