The economy is hurting, the summer temperatures are sweltering and everybody’s living check to check. But who gives a fuck? The Soul-Fu Villains have a brand new album out: The Nappy Man's Guide to Living. And if you don't know who the Soul-Fu Villains are, learn now and study hard. I'll be giving a pop quiz when you least expect it. The Nappy Man's Guide to Living is the 12-track way of life for those who like to live it right. They don't just play funk. Or soul. Or live hip-hop. They play what grooves. And you're shaking your ass from the get-go.

Heather Graham isn't a great actress, and I doubt I'll find a single reader shocked that I said so. But give Heather her due: Committed is a cute film. Heather plays Joline, a freakishly quirky (re: mentally ill) woman who marries Carl (Luke Wilson), a culinary photographer. Joline takes her vows very seriously. When he walks out on her, she has so much faith in those vows that she decides to track him down to El Paso, Texas and stalk him.

When a person reaches the monumental age of thirty, they often fall victim to Logan’s Run Syndrome. I’m not talking about being hunted by a group of goons dressed in tights and slippers. I’m talking about the madness. The endless mental torment you will put yourself through as you reach the three-decade mark. Turning thirty will fuck you up. Up until this point, we’re relatively happy with our lives. Or so we thought.

With the huge success of PBS’ Antiques Roadshow, we all knew it wouldn’t be long until other similar shows started popping up. The first to surface is UPN’s Street Value Roadshow, starting this September. Similar to Antiques, people swarm to convention centers to get their goods appraised. However, Street Value takes it up a notch. On Street Value, “sales people” bring in street drugs to have a price quoted.

My name is Vince Dicola, but you may know me as an instrumental Adonis. Not too long ago, I was the foremost trailblazer in the realm of synthesizer orchestration. Wizardquest Gaming magazine recently hailed me for single-handedly founding the Casio Sound Movement of 1983. Forget Michael Simpson and John King. I'm the original Dust Brother! I'd love to use this space to continue stroking myself, but something even more bulbous is at stake -- my career.

POEM ONE:
Panama Jack with a fanny pack,
Put your fist up and be black.
Tomatoes give me zits,
Wanna see my tits?
Stick a dinger in a Snack Pack.
POEM TWO:
Ace and Gary suck ass,
Wipe their faces in the grass.
Hey, baby Ruth,
You like the sparkle tooth?
Leave behind a stinky bass.
POEM THREE:
Leaving town ain't easy,
I'm leaving to be sleazy.
Travelin' like a freak,
Up my skirt, take a peek,
I'll miss my friends that are greasy!
POEM FOUR:
Soon I'll say, “Eh!”
Think that sounds gay?

I’ll cut to the chase: I’m a hairy woman. 20 years ago, I visited my witch doctor in the hopes that she would help remedy the problem. And that she did. In a matter of minutes she turned what some called my “beastly thicket” into pure gold. Not literally, of course, but metaphorically. She opened my eyes to a demanding market. She taught me to utilize my crops of locks by harvesting them.

Do you have kids? Despite what the courts may say, I most definitely don’t. But I have friends who do. And when they leave their bastard children with me (CONTACT: VINNIE'S AWESOME DAYCARE AT vinnie@tlchicken.com), I learn a lot about how the child’s mind works.
The little slobber-monsters are constantly asking questions, like “Why is the sky blue?”, “Where do babies come from?”, and “Will we ever return to the wondrous ways of 15th Century Feudalism?”

MAKING ART IS AN EXPERIMENT. SOMETIMES IT LEADS TO MASTERPIECES, SOMETIMES IT LEADS TO SEEING BLUE DOTS. CLINT KING HAS BEEN DOWN BOTH OF THOSE ROADS. AND NOW HE'S PREPARING FOR HIS FIRST OHIO ART LEAGUE GALLERY EXHIBITION, WHICH OUR VERY OWN NEOGEO THE PROPHET LEARNED ABOUT IN THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION.
neogeo: What did you do last night?
Clint: I tried to go to sleep, but when I finally realized I wasn't really sleeping, the sun was already up. So I looked up plastic magnifying sheets on a Taiwanese website.

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to the brilliant minds behind the AIR FORCE INSTANT DRAIN OPENER!