Pataskala resident Skip McCray found true love in a place he never thought possible, a Port-A-Potty. McCray was at Comfest and had just eaten another handful of shrooms and a kraut dog when the incident occurred.

1. If you're trying to lure a child into your car, try bribing them with candy. If that doesn't work, clip their leg with the front of your vehicle. I bet they’ll take your candy then.
2. What I wouldn't give to be a dog. The world is your restroom, you can hump everything you see, and you don't get in trouble for sniffing someone's crotch.
3. Is Kevin Costner dead yet? Huh. That’s too bad.
4. Remember that "I hate truckers" article I wrote a few months back? Of course not. Well, it got me into some trouble. Optimus Prime is real pissed.

I'm no prude, believe you me. I'm a fun girl; spontaneity and adventure course through my veins to the max. I'm so darn crazy about fun and adventure, I'll swim in arctic water; travel across the country on a whim; eat at Taco Bell twice in one day; the works. All for a fun new experience. However, there are a few things out there I hope never happen to me, no matter how much character they build:
1. I hope I never have to scrape all that dark and creamy toe jam from under my nails and eat it on a Ritz cracker.

I have to admit, I am a huge supporter of the Promise Keepers. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “wayne, how can you, of anyone, support that pseudo-macho, crybaby bullshit?” And to you, dear friend, I have this to say: for every “man” that goes to a Promise Keepers gathering, there is a lonely woman sitting at home wondering whether or not her husband is gay. And I am there to ease her pain. You see, while you poor, insecure guys are sitting in an arena crying and screaming to God, I’m making your wives scream to God in the bedroom.

IF IT SEEMS LIKE DEBBIE AND COMIC ARTIST PHILLIP GREGORY GET ALONG REALLY WELL. THAT MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT BOTH OF THEM MAKE AND APPRECIATE FABULOUS WORK. AND THEY KNOW A LITTLE SOMETHING ABOUT INDEPENDENT PUBLICATIONS.
debbie: Have you ever been interviewed before?
Phillip: No.
d: No? Not at all, huh? Alright. Well, I heard you just went to see Pearl Harbor. Was it just me or did that movie suck dick?
P: You didn’t like it either?
d: I hated it.

WHERE OUR MADCAP MAN OF THE HOUR GOES POSTAL AND GETS FRANK WITH KNUCKLEHEADS IN HIGH PLACES.
This month frank wrote to The Golden Arches themselves: McDONALD'S!
Dear McSir or McMadam,

MAT HOFFMAN IS A PRO BMX RIDER WITH HIS OWN COMPANY, VIDEO GAME AND AGENDA. MAT IS AT THE FOREFRONT OF HIS SPORT AND IS DOING EVERYTHING HE CAN TO KEEP THE SPORT FROM BECOMING ANOTHER SILLY FAD. AND HE'S DOING WELL. HE WAS RECENTLY ONE OF THE MANY ATHLETES INCLUDED IN TONY HAWK'S GIGANTIC SKATEPARK TOUR. THIS WAS A UNIQUE EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED BECAUSE THE TOUR TRAVELED ACROSS EUROPE AND THE US AND WAS DOCUMENTED BY ESPN.

As I approach the end of my term, and with newly-elected Executive-in-Chief Rip Torn ready to take the most patriotic of oaths, I'd like to reflect upon what I have done for our great province. After all, every President leaves a legacy. And I believe I have done as much as humanly possible to ensure that my term does not go unremembered.

TRUE STORIES OF HEROES' BRAVE BATTLES
BRAVE SOUL OF SEPTEMBER 2001: JOHN PINETTE


This month we talk with comedian John Pinette about a gaseous situation.
darby: John, tell us about your brave feat.

IN THE EXCITING WORLD OF SPORTS TODAY:
PANDA BEAR: 5


FROG: 3