PROLOGUE

Why buy food when you can waste your money on more shit to add to your already ridiculous collection of John Waters' films and The Smiths' singles?
Here are a few items that I think every God-fearing American should have for their very own. If you don't agree, I think you should be deported to Iceland, home of that crazy Bjork character.
1. Archers of Loaf - Icky Mettle

Remember the first time you heard Jane’s Addiction, and it struck you that you couldn’t pigeonhole those cats as a plain ol’ rock band, because they were doing all kinds of crazy shit with percussion and violins and such? That’s what this is like. Except Jane’s Addiction are pretty untouchable, musically speaking.

The cover of Take One For the Team is from some 8-bit video baseball game. Appropriately, the image is of an 8-bit batter being beaned in the head with a baseball. Tough break. But, he took one for the team. Clever, eh? Yeah. Well, can someone do that to me while this record is playing? I’d love a little industrial strength pain right about now.

Once upon a time, there lived a place called British Land. British Land was famous for two kinds of music: experimental electronic music, and faggy pop rock. One day, it was 2003. British Land and Americasville-- a neighboring country, floating East, across the ocean-- were overrun by millions of evil bands made up of skinny little boys in tight clothing, constantly pushing their shaggy hair out of their too-cool-for-school eyes. Local women locked their doors and cotton-balled their ears to muffle the wimpy, sensitive sound.

Fuck it. We’re online. We’ve got the extra space. I’m reviewing this. Everyone should listen to this. At least once. Especially with President Shithead in office. Without him fucking up as badly as he has, this record wouldn’t have been made. He and his rich, white buddies depriving the poor of their piece of the pie, raping the planet’s resources, driving people to desperation-- that’s what made this record possible.

Were I a trained professional, and not a Class AA drunk, I’d say this:
Ohio-based band Munkey Juice’s latest disc, Sassy Potato, is an ethereal, indie-rock throwback to the days of Mudhoney, Minutemen, and The Pixies, but without stealing those bands’ sounds. In vibe and spirit, Munkey Juice goes their own way, painting sonic pictures of chaos, confusion, and a hella good time. Check it out for yourself at munkeyjuice.net.

Most bars in America are magic. Somehow, they possess the ability to freeze time and evolution. The patrons are stuck in that odd era of the Nineties, where all the guys had wet hair and leather jackets, and the girls still hadn’t ditched perms and bangs. The decor is Big Ten collegiate. And the music,.. oh, the music.

You know, with an EP name like Pink on Pink, you’d imagine a CD full of slurping, burping, and all the other wonderful sounds that show up when girls stop being polite, and start eating each other out. You’d kind of expect the band that made this CD to either be a band full of hot girls who like girls, or a band full of guys who are girl-on-girl enthusiasts. You’d get neither.

One of my all-time favorite NOFX songs is a tune called “Falling In Love”. Sounds like a love song, right? And we all know how, in print, I tend to cringe at the presence of such things. But this NOFX tune is brilliant. The song is taking place on an airplane that is plummeting towards the ground below. Everyone’s about to be disaster toast. But, this man on the plane is professing his love to his love seated next to him. They die together, and the music sets the chaotic tone.
That's a love tune I can wrap my cynical ears around.