UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
DATE: Friday, August 1st, 2003
DEFENDANTS: Readers of tastes like chicken™
PLAINTIFFS: Lars Ulrich® and Spike Lee®
YOU ARE HEREBY LEGALLY NOTIFIED THAT YOU ARE BEING SUED BY METALLICA© AND 40 ACRES & A MULE FILMWORKS© FOR THE FOLLOWING ACTIONS:
1. You have illegally copied or downloaded one or more songs by Metallica© at least once.

After five whole minutes on the ground in sunny Orlando, I had one sobering fact to deal with: There are no alligators in Florida. I was on my first vacation in over two years, my first ever to the Sunshine State, and, damnit, I wanted to see some gigantic reptiles. They should have been on every street corner, basking in the sun, laying on the benches, fetching my bags, serving me drinks, eating small children. I had been deceived, and someone had to pay.

There are a certain number of walls that I keep running into when it comes to loose affiliations that are often referred to as "committed relationships." I'm not speaking of my idiot boyfriend getting too rowdy and slamming my skull into the bedroom wall when he's "back there." I'm speaking of those topics only covered on such fine quality programs like Oprah.
Take, for example, the issue of immaturity.

While watching a story on Pat Robertson the other night, I was reminded of an old SNL sketch in the early Nineties called "It's Pat!" It starred Julia Sweeney as an androgynous character named Pat, who drove her friends and co-workers crazy, because they couldn't figure out her/his gender. Fortunately, (or not, depending on your fondness for androgynous sketch humor) no matter how many tricky questions they asked, our hero Pat defeated them every time.

Damn. I was hoping Wayne would write some curt, funny, drunken intro for my column of rambling crap, Pure Lard. But he done told me to do it. So,.. uh,.. Pure Lard's been around since 1997. But now that it's in tastes like chicken, maybe people will read it. And, hopefully, make love to it!

Some friends and I decided to be extras in the new Bernie Mac baseball movie, Mr. 3000. All we had to do is go to Miller Park and wait in line. For this, we would get the chance to be in the film, a free meal, and a chance to win raffle prizes.
We got to the park and waited in line. Slowly, we made our way through the doors,.. and into total chaos. No one knew where we had to go. It was like watching hilljacks in a corn maze.

NEW YORK, NY - Today Show host Katie Couric’s televised colonoscopy has helped increase colonoscopies nationwide by 20%.
When asked about the increase, Couric's colon stated, "I am just so happy my efforts are helping so many people. It makes me want to help humanity in other areas-- firf!"
When asked of its new goals, the colon replied, "I think the world still has a major issue with hunger. I would like to make sure that the children of the world get proper nutrition-- firf!"

TODAY'S LESSON: HOW TO DIE
Many peoples thinks you have ta have a book-learnin' degree or be confined to a wheelchair to be a genius,.. but all ya really need is a video card ta be smart like me!
1. During a war, have a touching moment with a fellow soldier. Show him a picture, and talk about how you can't wait to return home to see your new baby that was born right after you left home.
2. Be the only first-time on-screen character in a group scouting a new planet, and wear a different color shirt than the big name actors.

Hello, Shia fans! Tina Peters here, President of the Shia LaBeouf Fan Club, Waukesha Chapter. Ol’ Waynee-Poo asked me to start writing articles about Shia LaBeouf, because so many of you Shia fans kept writing in, asking for it, DEMANDING it! And why? Because Shia is AWESOME!

Ewww, girl, ewww! DAMN!
Rub-a-dub-Dubya here, laying out in the hot summer sun, tanning my Jekylled hide. I’ll bet all you naysayers are singing a different tune, what with our finding and killing Sodomy Hussein’s little boys. That’s why I’m relaxing like this. Hunting and murdering tyrants is hard, hard work. So is taking in the last season of Friends. I’m going to miss it when it’s gone.
What was I saying? Oh yeah: soles are not just fish for boots.
So, how did it all go down? How did we find those boyz in their hood? Those menaces II democracy?
With lasers.